Necessary Grief

March 26, 2020

 It has taken me a lifetime of difficult times to be able to learn to allow my feelings to come out and not bottle them up.

 

The feelings with the coronovirus scare and what it is doing to the world and more particularly my community, felt very familiar.  They were the same feelings I had when my marriage died.

 

I felt alone and a loss of control over what was next.  "Who am I now?  Where do I fit?" and most of all "What can I do to fix this?"

 

I began watching my thoughts and actions and tried to be patient with myself as I walked through this.  I knew things would change in how I felt.  

 

My first thought, when I heard the news that we were all staying in and shutting down businesses, etc. was "This can't be true.  It can't be this bad."

 

I recognized that feeling, because I started becoming angry.  Angry at what?  I don't know.  I just felt it.  At least I had moved from the first stage.  Unless I revisit it.

 

If trying to figure things out is the "Bargaining" stage, then that is what happened next.  "There has got to be an answer.  This can all be fixed."

 

I am still aiming for "Acceptance".  It will come when it comes, I guess.  Little by little.  That is when I can more forward freely in positive ways. I have heard that after acceptance, there is meaning.  I believe God is at work.  God is good and has a purpose in everything.  I think about that every day.

 

I am welcoming this whole process because it isn't stagnant.  I could stuff my feelings, be positive, put on a smile and say I'm OK, but I'm not.    I am not a psychologist, but these are my experiences.

 

 

 

 

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