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Not Responsible?

Who is responsible? I have always felt responsible for things way beyond me. In elementary school I got the top citizenship award, because I was always helping. I go to far with all this.

There are so many kinks in this world: bitterness, jealousy, selfishness....which ends up up in verbal slander, mean behavior, and ultimately war. Then there is the deterioration of natural resources, and also there is poverty and now the pandemic! Yikes, I can only do MY part. I can't worry about other people's offenses. I wouldn't ever sleep!

At the beginning of the pandemic, I was forced to face myself by myself for hours and hours along with lots of anxiety and loss of sleep. I wasn't sure why I was so anxious. I had so many thoughts and feelings. I waited for it to pass. As I read the news, it didn't pass. It got bigger. I journaled and read the Bible and some other encouraging books.

The journaling helped me put my thoughts into a solid form and those thoughts turned into writing prayers. "God this is what I need right now." And I made a list. "I need peace. I need to relax and have the ability to sit and listen to You. I need balance." And then I wrote down prayers for my family members and friends. And then my mind, as usual went to the needs of the world, the poor, the families with kids.

It was good it was in the form of a prayer, because for some reason, I felt responsible to take care of everyone I could think of. I should call and encourage so and so and so and so. I should knock on all the outside windows of all the nursing homes and let them know they are not alone. I should zoom zoom ZOOM and start groups on the social media to make sure no one is alone. Ultimately, I should find the answers for this pandemic!" Oh, and another one..".I should be closer to God."

No wonder I couldn't sleep at night. I had not taken time to look at my frantic outlook. In AlAnon there is something called the 3 Cs to use when you are dealing with situations beyond your control......

I didn't CAUSE it.

I can't CONTROL it.

I can't CURE it.

I went over it and over it as a response to my thoughts on the pandemic. Gaining peace. Well, I guess the only thing I can control is what I do. I realized that I was responsible for my relationship to God and listening to Him and being led by Him. I am not responsible for how others respond or relate. I am responsible to do what God leads ME to do. There is wisdom in that. If God calls me to go out and smile through the lonely windows of nursing homes, I will go. Until then, I am taking care of myself and encouraging the family and friends God has given me. My calling at this point to is also be a voice for sobriety and serenity using the arts (writing, painting, gardening, and music)