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Life in slow motion

Because of quarantine, I am outside gardening. As I putter, I think about Grandma. I loved following her around the garden. She had all day long to tend to her garden on sunny days. She would leisurely walk to the barn, take a hoe out of the corner, leisurely walk back to the garden and hoe steadily. She would pull a cloth hanky from between her breasts, wipe her face, and then stroll back to the barn, put the hoe away, and then walk slowly to the house to get a watering can, making many trips. Such grace. Oh, and I forgot to say that she sang while she worked.

My Grandma was not decrepit. She had energy and life. She didn't hurry to do anything, but it all got done. I could tell she enjoyed working outside. She savored life.

I am not normally one to putter. There is always something "next" in my mind to do...things that seem urgent. I gotta do tasks fast before I lose interest. Why? I didn't think I had time to enjoy gardening.

I have grown up in a "performance" oriented world. School gave me lots of work and I did it fast and well. My parents emphasize that if I was going to do a job....any job....I had to do it right. I tried to do it right, but I did most things fast, so I could get them over with and move on....to something. Something? Something I felt I needed to do to feel good about myself.

As an adult, my worth seems to depend on how much I can get done. Nobody tells me that. Just me.

I have been ordered to stay by myself. Ahh. The quiet. But no. That is hard. It has made me ponder the things that move me. My mindset is changing in ways that would have not changed otherwise if I had continued my pace. I don't feel like the "me" I thought I was. Can I be content without feeling like I have to accomplish something?

I am "pushing myself" to go in slow motion. I may be old, but not decrepit. Like Grandma,I have piles of energy. If only Grandma knew her impact. She died when I was 16. But not in my heart.

Mind, slow down. Body, release the energy steadily and with contentment.