More more more. Harder harder harder. Try try try. I must do all I can to overcome the powers of nature and the the confusion, the depression, and considering the troubles of the world that plague me every day. I MUST know God. I MUST remember his words. I MUST tell others about him. I must I must I must. Speaking of human effort…..that doesn’t do the trick. No pushing is going to get me closer to God. I didn't feel like doing all that anyway.
I don’t know if anyone else experiences this. I think it is the plague of being raised in the church and being taught how to work at obeying and trusting God. It has always been hard, because of the nature of life. Life is hard and I often saw it as God showing me I wasn’t doing it right.
I am processing so much through this Covid-19 time of isolation. I kept thinking I needed to DO something – like talking to God and making myself to stop worrying. I thought I could pray the feelings and the crazy depression away. I gradually stopped and the “shoulds” started disappearing. I experienced my feelings and brought them before my Father in heaven….my creator, who knows me so well and still loves me.
I cried out. I behaved toward him like a I would a trusted friend. I let go of my feelings of inadequacy and knowledge of my imperfections. I gradually got comfortable with not trying to “push the right buttons” but to rest.
The thoughts that went round and round in my head were one by one over time given over to Him, talked through. Honest conversation. He is the only one who truly understands me and has the future in his hands. I can trust. Now that is prayer!
I have soaked up nature. Nature speaks. Nature rests. Nature is peaceful, even in the storm. We are nature. A tree receives what it is given. It has no power over the storm. It has no power over lightning. It has no power over drought, the bugs that invade its bark, the disease that comes. It has no power from the woodcutter who cuts it down. It rests. A flower blooms when it is time. It goes through the process from seed to breaking through the soil, through sunshine, rain and wind….and caterpillars and then shows its lovely face to the sun.
It has no worry or fear. All of nature shows forth rest.
I have been asking God to give me more and more rest and trust – like a tree growing freely and bending with the wind, well rooted in the one who created me. I stop a little more often from my constant performance and sit and bask. I read God’s word because I want to and it helps me rest in someone so huge and so powerful, knowing that he has the core of my life protected. I also ask him lots of questions. I wait for answers and understanding I look at birds and animals and see the same thing.
I have a brain and a will. Trees and animals don’t.
My desire is to choose to rest. Resting in God. I am growing in this. It is a slow process. I am overcoming the plagues of habit. Like a tree, it is one additional ring after another. (When a tree is dies you see the rings and the growth and how many years it had)
Rest rest rest. Grow grow grow.